Identity

Always be careful what you believe in. See those lies I believed in, they didn’t start overnight. Rather it was years and years of build up before they fully made their presence known. It took years of sowing all the wrong seeds, of entertaining those little whispers at the back of my mind. Of never once doubting such beliefs.

It was years of intaking all the wrong things. Years of taking everything beyond face value. Of letting every word said over me simply stick.

Some of the words were said by family. Some by friends or others. Some by my siblings. The intent behind it was never to hurt me, maybe joke and prod. Some just how people viewed me. But every word, I took and kept it. I didn’t let it roll off my shoulders like it was nothing. Although I said I did. I just buried it deep within me unaware of what such things would become.

Often I would go back to it, think it over and over again without fail. I would run it over in my head again and again. Letting it remain far longer than it should have. Until it became so rooted in me, it simply became me.

Becoming this identity I took on and molded into everything I was.

Being called golden child meant I had to be perfect. That I couldn’t cause trouble. That I would be the easy one of my siblings. It meant I didn’t ask for too much because I didn’t want to be seen as selfish. I would save my asks for something big. I made sure to get straight A’s. In making sure I got awards. That my aim for to get honors, I aimed to be in every advanced class. I’d make sure my grade didn’t drop. If it did, I work my hardest to get it back to good. Which gave me a need to accomplish and achieve. To strive and have a spirit of performance to be seen. Or so I thought.

Being called a homebody, meant I was one. I stayed home as I grew anxious of going outside. For one, straying from this identity and two, it created social anxiety. Making me stray from going outside unless it was for school, occasionally for family and friend’s, and nothing else. If some of my family went to a party or went anywhere I wasn’t needed, I easily slipped out of being needing to go. Or made some excuse of not feeling good or having homework.

I was deemed the quiet and shy one. So I took it quite personally. I took it and ran with it. Growing quiet and reserved. Using being an introvert as an excuse for how I am. Saying this is simply how I am. I don’t talk. I don’t do much. I keep to myself. More than anything, I didn’t stand up for myself much when I needed to. Going back to being perfect, meant no conflicts. Meant not wanting to be involved in drama since I would only be seen as some burden. Or someone even more unlikable. Without realizing that it was another word, another identity I kept taking on.

Bit by bit, becoming into the persona I made. Into the Sadie I showed to the world. Becoming someone I hated. Letting insecurity fester and even more things. And these were words and things that slowly added up over time. Leading to the spiral I found myself in. The same things add up over time. The word that we let take refuge, sometime even the good ones can be twisted at times. If we aren’t careful.

Because our identity isn’t found in these words. In these boxes other people put us in. We aren’t defined by our past or how others view us. We aren’t defined by our parents or siblings or friends. Not unless we choose to be. But truly our identity is actually found in God. Something that took me so long to understand. In Him, we are seen as so much more than we know. We are seen as His child. As royalty. We are called to greater. He values us and sees us so greatly. To write it all would almost be hard enough.

But in Him, we are healed. We fulfilled like no other thing. He looks at us with a smile so wide. With love in His eyes. With knowledge of what’s in us. Of the power, of the skills, and abilities we can’t always see. It’s why He gave his only son, to give us life and life more abundantly. To let that void be filled by Him and Him alone. Because no matter how hard we work, no matter how much we tried to confine ourselves to society’s standards, to live up to people’s expectations, to get their love, it will never be enough. Only in Him we are full.

Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.