Bare

I stare at a blinking cursor, writing urges swell; 

urging me to fill these blank pages with endless words.   

Adding a dash of metaphors, a smidge of hyperboles, a scoop of symbolism, and a pinch of imagery;

while layering it all in a dome of pent up emotions.

To leave it all out there. Leave it bare for all,

to see my hidden scars that run deep,

to understand the daily battles I face,

to realize I’m not this perfect girl,

to know this is all an act.

Because I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay. I can’t keep wearing a fake smile.

Else I’ll end in a dirt pile,

another nameless number, 

in an eternal slumber,

Yet these words that swirl in my mind find no voice to speak. 

This heart afraid they won’t be heard.

So here I turn- to this journal of mine, dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s.

Pouring out all I could ever feel, letting it all out and bare for me to see.

Until these words can finally flee.

What Do You See

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see that girl who’s all smiles,

Who always says she’s good,

Who always seems she has a pep in her step?

Or do you see something else?

Do you see the girl that cries herself to sleep each night,

Who can hardly look at herself, who cannot even fathom her self worth

As she finds herself spiraling further into an all surrounding abyss?

Do you see that mask she so proudly displays, unsure whether it’s herself or you she’s trying to convince?

I ask this question so earnestly since I need you to see what lies beneath.

I need you to see the girl who do desperately wants help yet unsure how to ask for it.

Who feels so alone and wants someone…anyone to see what really goes on under the surface.

So tell me, what do you see?

Midnight

When midnight comes, I find myself as awake as could be. Troubled by haunting thoughts and feelings.

Unable to put them to rest even if I tried. They claw away at my mind, telling me so much

From the faults I see day-in-day out to all those past mistakes. 

They say nothing would ever change, that I am destined to loneliness, to depression, anxiety and more

They say I am not worthy of more

That I shouldn’t live on

When midnight comes, I find tears lulling me to sleep.

When midnight comes, I hope for a better day.

I hope for a day riddled by anything but this life

I hope for life beyond

I hope for the pain to stop.

When midnight comes, I simply wish for it all to end.

Here

Here I lie, wide awake,

Unable to find peace even in sleep.

Unable to find what lies in tomorrow.

Struggling to find any more reason to keep on.

One hand I find pain. Loneliness. Darkness. 

The other, peace. Release, relief from this all.

One, is my family. My loved one, the few things that give my joy.

The other, I can finally be alright. To leave everything behind. To finally stop this.

Here I lie, leaning to one side. Here I lie, contemplating the big question.

To live or not to live?

Fleeting Words

Truth so easily swayed by a smile and a simple "I'm fine"

(When it's anything but that.)

Friends, family, look on clueless. Never seeing past the surface, never seeing the torment within.

(Unaware of the late night cries or the relentless self hate I give.)

They simply look on. 

They don't persist, only talk and talk. While I simply sit there, nod and reply. Still smiling.

(I want to scream and shout. Just let it all out)

I spout nonsense in response, sweet nothings like I’ve always done.

(Cursing at myself, for failing yet again)

In their eyes, nothing is wrong as this dead-end conversation continues.

(While I still pretend like everything's alright. Masking the storm..)

And as we bid our goodbyes, as they turn away, I only stand there, still smiling.

(I want to reach and grab their hand. To finally let someone..anyone in.)

“Wait.” 

(Just a fantasy. Nothing more. A simple wish.)

“Please..wait.”

(Fleeting words wishing to escape, letting it all out. Leaving it bare to them)