Conflict

In so many ways, the way we have been raised has impacted us in one way or another. The way we grew up under our parents or whoever took care of us: how they loved us, how they cared, what they did when we were trouble or even in the mundane things. They all shaped us.

And I will always love my parents. Nothing could ever change that. I will love them forever. But growing up, it wasn’t always easy. For a time, my family…my house was far from peaceful. I can remember when it about second or third grade something changed. Fighting became a constant. My house became a war zone as my parents went at each other. I can remember the night they both got drunk, how they argued with one another. I remember the nights where I cried because all I wanted was peace. All I wanted was my parents to stop.

It didn’t, not for awhile.

It seemed every day brought a new argument whether it was money or something. And I grew up hating conflict because conflict was bad in my younger self’s eyes. Conflict caused fights. It caused turmoil. And I never wanted to go through what I did again so I stopped causing trouble. I stopped standing up for myself because I didn’t want conflict. Instead I stayed silent. I put on this perfect mask, to show everyone I had it all together. And I got good at it at the ripe age of 8. I kept to myself. I turned inward with my problems which is the worst thing I or anyone can do. Because that became a great breeding ground for insecurities, anxiety, and so much. All of which I endured as result. All a result of not wanting to be a burden…or rather be seen as one. All rooting at the environment I once grew up in.

Although this was my childhood, that many behaviors and mindsets stemmed from such experiences, it is not what determines where I can go. It does not limit me. And I don’t need to carry on the bad. That is the revelation I’ve come to know. My childhood, my parents, all of that doesn’t define me. Sure it has shaped me, but I don’t need to let it influence me. I don’t need to let the bad influence me now. There is a solution, and it comes through surrender. In laying it at the altar. In forgiveness. In finally letting go and giving it all to the One who can do so much. Who will do much more in my life because of such actions.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke[a] on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry.”